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I asked about Cassy’s progress in her relationship with the other man she was dating.Ben — the guy — wasn’t a great communicator, sometimes going a week before responding to a text.

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“He should expect you to ask where this is all going, since he’s dating a monogamous girl.” A monogamous girl. And suddenly that concept, and in essence, part of my identity, was in question. Allowing a break from sexual monogamy could ease pressure on a relationship. Maybe it was about establishing her territory: This is my house, this is my man, and I’m allowing you to enjoy them. I confirmed to Greg that she had just welcomed me to their home and that it wasn’t a death threat.

After slogging through interactions with lackluster guys for so long, I felt like I had emerged to find a freshwater lake glistening in the sun at the end of a long, sweaty hike. Greg’s fiancé, Cassy, was out of town for a week, so he invited me to stay at their place. But impishly, I also thought it might be a little thrilling to sleep with another woman’s fiancé in her house.

Suddenly, I was really not curious about his other relationships. When I arrived and he began making dinner, he handed me an envelope, looking a little embarrassed. I think she wanted to say hi and welcome you.”I was curious, even if I was unnerved by this woman hand-writing a nicey-nice note to her fiancé’s lover.

How does the girl you see casually feel about all this? He hesitated to admit it, perhaps feeling the need to defend this lifestyle and its quirks.

She walked out on him at dinner last time they met. At first that wasn’t OK, but it was logistically complicated, so they have allowed it. After the date we talked daily, tugging back and forth on definitions and labels and identities, finding they were pliable.