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23 Feb

I found myself trying to deny my real feelings and emotions about my husband’s addiction in order to be attractive to him.

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My husband never verbalized of this, it was purely my own insecurity that led me to believe that if I could only change in some way, I could maintain control of the outcome…this was the ultimate lie. The women in pornography, on the other hand, don’t require anything of the participant. Our life revolved around him and his needs, which in turn gave me a false sense of security. There are no additions or subtractions to the man’s request.

I didn’t want to be labeled “demanding” so I became “Darren’s wife” with one sole purpose…not to have an identity of my own. They just passively follow through with no hesitation or questioning.

I was emotionally vacant, but at least I wasn’t frigid.

DOWNLOAD “HOPE AFTER PORN” Wanting to set goals for myself or plan out and pursue a dream of mine means I’m too independent. I started realizing that he looked at women in “1D,” so to speak. None of that interested him, so it seemed silly for me to focus on any of that in my own life. My goal was to meet his needs so that he wouldn’t reject or abandon me, which was a core fear for me most of my life. Extensions, blonde highlights, nail salons, low cut shirts, diet plans, lipo, push up bras…the list goes on and on.