Top deal breakers dating

16 Dec

Learning to feel emotions again, including positive feelings of love and intimacy, can be one of the most challenging parts of recovery, but also one of the most rewarding.Contrary to what a lot of people think – that an addict’s job is the first thing to go – drug use shows up first in the dysfunction of the addict’s relationships.Recovering people often have learned to either shut down and hold in their emotions for fear of being hurt or to romanticize their relationships and fall in love at the first opportunity, without discriminating.“In treatment, people learn new skills that need to be practiced before they are able to make them part of their daily life without returning to old patterns,” she explains.We teach people how to treat us, so with longer term recovery, we are going to demand to be treated differently than when we are new to recovery.” Recovery is hard work that requires a full-time commitment.Returning to daily life without the security of being able to use drugs as a coping mechanism can be terrifying, particularly when drug cravings and triggers to use set in.Recovering addicts have to re-learn healthy intimacy by overcoming feelings of anger, isolation, fear and distrust and gradually begin to trust themselves to be able to share their hopes, fears and dreams with others.“In the first year, stay close to your program and figure out who you are,” Desloover advises.

Only when people know who they are and what they have to offer can they find a mate who is an appropriate match for their values, interests and goals.Many recovering addicts benefit from ongoing support to help them work through their insecurities, build confidence, and learn to feel and express emotions in healthy ways.Dating is never an excuse for using drugs or alcohol.This control is attractive at first, but soon becomes controlling or abusive” says Desloover.“As women grow more confident and emotionally healthy in recovery, their self-esteem and confidence improves, and they begin to actually like themselves.“Whether the object of the addiction is drugs or an unhealthy attachment to another person, the individual is searching for something outside themselves to fill the emotional void within.” The “rush” of a new relationship can be emotionally damaging and can derail even the most valiant recovery effort.In most cases, individuals who can’t refrain from having a relationship in the first year of recovery are missing an opportunity to address the core issues underlying their addictions.“It is commonly recommended in the recovery community to avoid romantic relationships for the first year, because most of us are just beginning to get to know ourselves and to define our values,” Desloover says.“We have to learn to love ourselves before we can love someone else.” People in recovery might choose to date a very different type of person when they first quit using as compared to when they have achieved a year of sobriety, observes Desloover.Desloover also advises newly recovering women to attend women-only 12-Step meetings during that first year.By working your program, you will discover who you are and what you can bring to your relationships, rather than what you can get from them.